Poets plight

Poet I'm called My pen apparently bleeds 

It sneezes ink mixed with tears and screams.

Deceived by the dreams of past

I author what i saw

Illusive and but picturesque 

Word paintings i veneered

Real feelings unwritten 

Unheard unacknowledged.

Impossibility it is to 

Encapsulate the Beauty.

And  my pen fails me 

When I'm walking on sunshine.

 Expression seemed easier in doldrums 

Happiness feels contained n constrained

Unable to stick with word glue

Sanctity of love and its exuberance 

Is failing a poet to display it to 'him'

Him who sweeps me off my ground

Him who turns my day to night 

Him who shuts me with a pinch of kiss

Him who turns my world upside down

Him who makes me cry with laughs

Him who will be father of kids i might/cant bear 

Him who who breathes life into my lungs

Him whose heart is as pure as theres nothing  that I've ever heard or seen 

Him who would throw himself in front of a bus for me

Him who is so many things my words fall short of

Him whose picture il never be able to paint

For now I'm his and i have him by my side

Wont be ashamed if the poet in me died. 

To and fro

As kids we learned to cross our hearts

In order to prove a truth, as elders we learnt to raise our voice in order to make a truth.

As kids we learnt to cross our fingers everytime we lie , as elders we learnt to poker face commiting perjury.

As kids we spoke n thought less, cuz milk and candies satiated our needs, as elders our mind races and tongue blabs or fumbles , cuz the horizon is so unseen.

As kids our mothers would mean the world and rest were close kins, as elders we make friends and foes entering the chaotic élan. 

Looking back may seem easier 

But to head forward is what we do

Mousy and yellow

With mistakes at each veer

Fumbling and stumbling 

Trying the balance 

Backsliding to maintain

Turning the wheel 

Towards the unknown

Into a hazy sea . 

Wo aur hum

Wo boley :
Kayenaat main tumse koi gaya guzra na hoga
Raat ke andhere main jaise dikhayi na dia hoga
Aankhe moondey har wo paap kia hai tuney
Her baar jise soch tera imaan tadpega.

Hum boley :
Mera mann nai jaanta iss shabd 'paap' ko
iske kuch roop toh maine bhi dekhe hai
Her baar ek nai shakal aur akal pehne tha
Her baar pehchaan-na namumkin tha
Haan ab toh aankhein moond ke he kaam chalta hai
Kuch pal ki saansein hai , aankhein khuli ho toh leni mushkil lagti hain
Maine andhere main andhapan pehna tha is baar
Kya karein , Ujaley k rangon ko Dekhne ab manzoor nahi mujhe mere yaar.

uncertainty

held in your grace
the mesmerized fate
with love you embrace
feeling divine and great

much uncertain leap
chasing angel from Hell
promising to keep
her out of the blue shell.

Once.....

I am a storm i am a breeze i am wind i sweep things
Once i was just air.

I am a raging flood i am a waterfall i am a beautiful spring or a river which flows
Once i was just water .

I am callous and blinding i am soothing to eyes when i set n rise
I am the sun
Once i was just a star .

I am a heavy pour i am an easy drizzle i am hail and i am snow
Once i was just a rain.

i am warmth and i am light ,i am flames and i dazzle and i burn to ashes
Once i was just fire .

I am blue ,i am black sometimes orange and purple
Once i was a gray sky.

I am a tide i am a wave i splash and i stay , i come kiss the shore and go
Once i was just a sea.

I am shining and i cut , i am a jewel and i am rare I am a diamond
Once i was just a coal.

I am red and i am pretty i smell heavenly but i have thorns , i am a rose
Once i was just a flower.

I am a wife i am a mother , i am a  father and a husband
But once i was a child

I am smart i am shrewed i am clever  i am arrogant
But Once i was innocent and naive .

We all are and we were ....
......something different ,
Swept in the tide of change.

Thinking out loud - part 2

Here i am @ 4 30am writing a post from the bottom of my heart for myself.
Just finished watching a movie called 'stay cool' , cute movie by the way. Story of an ordinary boy who falls in love with a girl in high school could never propose and almost 20 years later writes a book about what he felt which becomes a best seller. Quite cliche one may say but i kinda connected well with it.
I often wonder What fun one has in documenting what/how they feel? it is beyond my understanding. May be this is the reason, i wanna someday take this up as my PhD thesis too.
Few days back i too had a similar thought of documenting that one life event which was quite a detour from the usual but apparently changed the course of my life. I am referring to this because Thats the similarity which i share or a point of connection with the lead actor in the movie , but for me it was just a conception of thought of writing a book about 'it' , which in the movie he did.
When i initially thought about it, a lot of questions n doubts clouded in my head.
# What is the need to write?
*is it to create a momento of the experiences lived or is it a medium to get ones feelings across almost in entirety to that one person (which is a bleak chance, cuz who knows if he/she even follows what one writes?)
#what will happen once i start writing? What if it becomes inexhaustive? What if it becomes too overwhelming? What if it skids me back to square one.

A lot of what if's emerged .

But a thorough inspection of ones intentions n gut feel suggested, it has to be written for my own self.

A document that'll contain almost everything starting from minute details to big fat realities but all of it for me. For what- an easy access to visit back or a one time visit to get past it forever(May be). Who knows? And i will also not know until i start .

So ive decided i will start writing about it . In a fashion i have  imagined, yes another cliche love filled romantic novel with a twist of reality in it.

Quest is to look for answers, to the questions infinite. Who knows in the pursuit what one May find . I m not expecting miracles but revelations would be good enough. It is in retrospect things/experiences make sense, and one develops a perspective . So i really dont know what am i looking for or what am i going to find, its like gambling which  i am going to do with words. Hope i do justice to my feelings.*fingers crossed*

My posts have more questions than reflections/statements, i hope that explains the chaos in my life . At times i wonder is it what it looks like, or do words exaggerate a felt experience or undermine it, but i guess both are true, also because an experience and its authenticity lies just in that moment and no restructuring in thoughts/words will ever do justice to it.

On this abruptly vague note i shall end ,yet again intrigued and confused by the beauty/horror of  aspects of human minds.

In sickness and in health

When i was a kid i loved Vows, i guess i still do but apparently hightened consciousness has added to the paranoia now.
"I ,_____, take thee,_____, to my
lawful wedded Husband/wife, to have and
to hold from this day forward, for
better for worse, for richer for poorer,
in sickness and in health, to love,
cherish, and to obey , till death us do part, according to God's holy
ordinance; and thereto I give thee my troth.

My personal favorite Is 'in sickness and in health' not because personally i fall sick very often but also because i understand what all especially sickness brings along, and in health m sure we all can deal with the atrocities of life.<
I personally have felt that rage and anger which is also accompanied by a lot of guilt (not to forget) when one is sick or when ur loved one is .

Lets get to the less complicated part first, that is the experience of sickness rather than the feeling which one feels when one is sick.
Ive had many experiences but there are few i wanna share both as a healthy person taking care of the sick and a sick person being taken care of .
It was a cold morning and there was a hot lava spurting in my under pants. (those of you who cannot understand it was the first day of my menstrual cycle). I had a paper submission and just to deposit a hard copy i had to go through a torture of a jam packed train journey which was an hour and a half one way . Mind you this is just the travelling time.. Getting out reaching college etc etc not included in the calculation. I knew its going to be one of those impossible days when you wish you had a penis instead of a vagina. Anyway dying in pain, pale faced i drag myself out of my bed and shower , changing into an all black attire. Ready to head out for the anticipated torturos journey ad my phone beeps, it said- " hello darling , good morning i know you must be heading out for college , just wanted to let you know i am picking you from #station, just let me know when you leave?"
I sat back on my bed picked phone and replied - " i am leaving right away" , phone beeped again , the message read "oh okay. You might have to wait 5-10 minutes at the station but then Il pick you up and drop you to college and bring you back too" ,I just replied an okay with a smiley , still wondering what just happened. By the way that was my 'love' who sent the usual good morning message but it was just a bit a different this morning.
20minutes i still travelled to reach to the #station with just my phone beeping timely to tell me his status and to know how ar am i and along with it some lousy music playing in my ears .
I got off at the station waited for five minutes and he was there in his dazzling golden sedan. He came and opened the front door for me took my bag and hurriedly throwing it in the back seat, made sure i was  seated comfortably and he put the car door behind me mumbling few words that sounded like 'this is a no parking zone where i stopped, we gotta make a move' .
I sat quietly in the seat next to his, he put his seat belt and politely asked me to put mine confirming again if i was comfortable.
I sat back relaxed and he played some really nice music and drove through heavy traffic. As soon as we hit the highway he took out a chocolate from his pocket and gave it to me , i accepted with a smile.
Holding the chocolate in my hand and with the rustling sound of its wrapper , in a soft voice said thanks. He turned to me looking at me with all the love possible on earth that he could shower upon me in that very moment he said - 'i know my baby was in pain, couldnt get coffee but did know chocolate with help with the pain, and i knew travelling wouldn't have been easy for you today so i thought Il spend some time with my love, may be she ll better?', looked away staring ahead at the highway and softly whispered "do you feel better?"
Eating chocolate like a fat kid still fighting the pain in my lower abdominal region i laid my head on his shoulder and whispered in his ears "i love you" ,he kissed my head and said "i love you too baby".
He played another mesmerisingly beautiful song and said-"I promised you ,Il be there by your side in sickness and in health, and here i am" , i dint say a word i lifted my heavy head from his shoulder and leaned against the glass of the window, all i did the entire journey was to look at him with eyes that expressed nothing but love. I forgot everything in that moment and i couldnt get my eyes off him.

And like these there had been many such occasions where he left me awestruck.

But there came a day when he left . Apparently for good and all these vows especially the one mentioned above went piercing down my heart.

What happens to the vow now? I thought it said till death us do apart, but a misunderstanding was enough to do us apart.

I still fall sick and sometimes majorly and its that one vow that he took that hurts more than the actual pain. Its so fascinating how someone's presence can be so relieving on the basis of just few words.

Its these words and their hollow existence which really kills you.

And now look at the irony , i willfully wish for sickness, as much as i hate it i still do and i wish i get really sick. He left me in health, is this a way to believe that he might return in my sickness ? Are these the unconscious pointers whichmakes me keep going back to the vow.
What a shame, i , a person with a heightened consciousness also lives for something as hollow as words.

This is one side of the story .

Another is when you want to be the care taker ,and as much as you want you cannot do anything Thats what fills me up with rage and anger. And a guilt which follows is also stemming from same hollow meaningless words, you know you promised , and you know Cant do much and now that Hes gone you Cant even be there Thats what eats u up inside. I dream and get visions of him not being okay but still i feel helpless.

My question to myself and others who understand where my thought originated from ,is - if we know words have a hollow existence how come we get so vulnerable to them? How come we become slaves of such baseless existence where everything is so hollow?

Winter love

With the winter chill and cold breeze slapping my face , 

with the dew drops settling on the windshield of my car,

with layers of clothes and a slender body snuggling in it, 

with innumerable sneezes and sniffs, 

with warming of hands around each cup of hot coffee, 

with the winter rain and shivering hands,

with chattering teeth and cold feet,

with the lust of winter sun, 

with each bite of a hot lip burning muffin,

with a long walk  on a December evening, 

with the self clicked hood couple pictures, 

and one cold night which is now frozen, in memories

winter has a bit of you, unerased unforgotten 

a screeching noise in the wind 

silently screaming in my ears

to remember you. 

Thinking out loud - part 1

Truth and lies. I wonder who/what made/caused these terms , and i also wonder how it has been an integral part of my life and may be everyone of us. What compells me to think about it  is ,beyond its literal meaning and my experiences. 

This summer i almost lost a  very close friend. Yes because i found out he 'lied' to me . What a brilliant 4 letter word, it gives competition and a very tough one to one another 4 lettered word 'love' . Yes love and lies ,somehow one will always find them in one basket. Whereas some wise men say love and trust go hand in hand , which makes me wonder about the so called unusual trio which is love-trust-lies. 

If i may use my little knowledge of psychoanalysis then i guess Frued would agree that i see a better n a stronger relationship between trust n lies than between trust n love . So to say it requires more trust than love to lie , and trust in love , for love , one has to lie ; and trust in a lie to save love . 

I know i might have gone overboard with my web of words . But all i mean to say is its okay to lie. I always believed in one thing that i hate lies and liars and following that theory ive eliminated many people from my life which i dont know of was right or wrong. But what i realised last night was how true is the opposite of my belief ? Do i really love truth , is there any truth and if it is do i love people who say the truth ? Do i even believe in truth ?  Do i always say the truth ?
(which also leaves me with a revelation that my hatred for myself also comes majorly from my own belief) .

Anyway the point is or may be there is no point in wondering about these self created fascinations of truth and lies. One needs to rise above and see what have they practically left us with after weighing it all.

And i know what i'm left with i am left with few countable people in my life who have selflessly loved me despite of who ive been at various points of time in life and they still continue to love me regardless of what ive become and will love me regardless of what will/can become because for them its their trust that they had put in me which i realise im never gonna let down. So transcending the visciousness of the roulette of truth and lies , i decided to let go of my theory cuz there are better things in life to cherish and one Cant do that until blindfold is removed .

So im not saying im better off with discarding my theory rather to be honest im really messed up. Cuz now theres nothing that guides my decisions other than my instincts (which are killer, mainly because they ve almost got me killed) . So technically its quite a haze but sure i know at what milestone i have my pillars . Even if i go blind i can find them.

One last thanks to this genuine angelic soul who unknowingly said things he did not know what it meant and what effect it ll have . He said 'what if he lied , isnt his love and trust that he puts in you worth forgiveness and Hes not a bad person at all' . In retrospect each word seems like a bead . Had it not been these words i would have lost a pillar of strength, a close friend . Thankyou stranger and i  owe you one .

And lastly going back to where i started , how these (meaningful yet so meaningless) words have left me with some bleak thoughts & questions : why seek truth,what is about the truth that is s charming that one gets pulled by it? Is there anything like being true? How far truthful have the closest and the most important people in our lives been ? Does someone really want to kno the truth? 

& on the other hand 

What is a lie? Masked insecurity ,or scared unexpressed love, or the trust in a new face ? Why lie, why complicate but is truth less complicated , who decides which is lesser ?  why is liar always a villain? Why are lies/liars  despised?

My thoughts n questions will keep pouring but i must give it a rest for now . Though the mystery which my brain always thinks about is and will remain unresolved but for once I know i tried to untangle the knots . (not sure whether i am making it more  knotted or untangling the ones that existed).

TOXICITY

For the longest time i held it in my fist
know not why know not how
its sand quality
let it pass
in time with no remains.
at once what i held in my fist
seemed like a flower
it blossomed
in my sweaty palms
but then came the fall and it withered
in my same hands it rustled

In between a shrillness
 of rustling and falling
 things mushroomed around
what a pity i saw the same flower
blossoming around me
no more in the sweat of my arms
brighter than the red ink
flashing through my veins

yes i picked the wrong flower
and poisoned it with my sweat
even if it was
it would've had a pungent smell

the air around me is thick
its infective and lethal
To, all you blossoming flowers
you shall be dead if near me

so kindly go away
cuz i cant live with
a blame.

Sisak

wo yaadon k tukde

Chupke se

raat ke aaghosh main 

andhere main siye 

mala si piroye

aankhon k raste

palkon pe sisakte hue 

, fir hoton ne piye

wo sehem k bikhar jana mera

hathon main hath rakh 

fir dekh muskurana tera

wo sannaton main goonjti 

fir wahi ek awaaz 

wo lafz ankahe

din ki chaka chaundh 

main jo bayan na hoye

aur raat ki khamoshi 

main ansuney reh gaye

A Face

Amidst hundred faces he saw a face 

the beauty struck his pie

the way red clouds in the dusk would captivate 

force so magnificent 

like a tide in a deep blue sea

with a barbed edge of a crescent moon

it sliced his crux ,sumless 

A face in veneer 

made a fine delicacy

masked and concealing 

swaying away the hay 

dazzled by an eyeful 

and deceived by the beaut  

that face in hundred faces 

brought dismay

the sailor lost him in mist

dropped a bundle he

abandoning already mislaid ship 

for this frivolous deplete

still hanging on to his hat

looking for that face 

...... in hundred faces.

Someday

if i couldnt yesterday
then its not a big deal

even if not today
then i must not feel

silly to an extent
i cant afford to be

il get past it someday
is all i dream .

i still havent heard
winds murmur
clouds roar
and sea waves splashing
on my feet

 i am yet to
discover the colors
in a rainbow

if i couldnt yesterday

then its not a big deal

even if not today

then i must not feel 

silly to an extent 

i cant afford to be 

il do it someday

is all i dream .

and may be that someday

is not very far ..

Surreal to real

For once i have no poem to share. i have words with no loops and knots.
i am almost feeling magical today , cuz this feeling that i am feeling today, i hadn't experienced it before. And its all because of a friend, who happens to be a clone of me.
the wavelength at which i think (which i do not propose is very high or low but whatsoever it is) people do not reach there easily.

i have lots of questions and no answers, one of which is what does an average human being aspire to be?
Answers are many - successful ,happy ,famous etc etc
next question is how much of it does he achieve? and who decides or weighs this achievement  .
of course everybody knows its the person himself who declares it, but knowing how unsatisfied humans are , can we actually say that we are the ones who actually decide it....and i can continue the loop further but the point i am trying to make is one can actually know what he actually desires.

latching on to desire , i know what my desires are , and i have seen them being met , the reality which happened when the desires came true was enthralling, and that is exactly the part which we want.

This particular phase , not to say its all a bed of roses, has the element of fantasized real , which makes it perfect for oneself, in this perfect moment things aren't a cake walk but you have the courage to cross boundaries barefoot, everything doesnt become easy all of a sudden but suddenly the perspective changes towards the most difficult things in life.

and how does this seemingly 'perfect' world comes alive?....(word-perfect is no where used in its literal meaning)
its when, you meet this special someone (unlike fiction , ones tailor made guy/girl) this person has its own flaws and potential. And mind you this event has nothing to with the quantitativeness of your relation to this someone , it could be few minutes few months few years and that too at any point of time in life.

And i keep all moral ethics and norms aside when i talk about this kind of aliveness which one other person is able to create in you, at this point of time nothing else matters. Cuz may be unconsciously we are aware of the fact that this away moment from everyone/everything is going to be very short lived.

This reality and the real reality also will coincide and make it fall apart.

For me . for real , i have met this special someone , for a very short span and it has altered my life, I've learnt one new thing and thats contentment, one may feel - how funny it is to talk about contentment at such a young age , but then again its not the quantity but the quality of life lived which can help you attain it.

'good things dont stay'- anonymous , but i guess they do in your thoughts,. in your memories , its how you keep them alive. i bet one cannot even in fantasy surpass this fanatic feeling (which some people call LOVE) , i know not what name to give it but for sure it is the pinnacle.

And just today i learnt its not in my head that i feel the extravagance of this feeling but there are others too , who have felt it closely.

as i said i do not have a poem to share today but my poetic side compels me to drop few lines-
"beyond you is
nothing,
beyond this feeling is
nothing.
but with you it is
life"

bereaving in silence

i am who i dont know

no flowers bloom no trumpets blow

i have what i never wanted

beholding silence enchanted

i pine for what i had

almost eternal bliss, no fad

lost grace,now wallflower

attired in darkness in her bower

a gown of chasm she wears

her bareness exposed fears

of the gaze unseen

impingement to the green

life she had seen

had not annulment been

rhetoric silence weens

only a diamond tear sheens

dismayed and dejected

to bereft of life, subjected.

Unconscious play

Ever felt a compulsion to be there for someone completely, in process neglecting ones own self?

Ever been a 4am friend?

Has your world ever revolved around just some one?

Its good to be nice but niceness can also be a symptom. It has proved right for some. Quite an idealized image they have but what purpose does it serve?

Nothing.

But , one it Corrodes , two it erodes and three its distressing.

Niceness is often confused with selfishness and fakeness but there is another dimension to it - which is pathology, which not everyone can perceive.

It’s a characteristic bipolarity, to be always on the extreme end of the continuum, ambivalence missing.

Giving just not what’s more than required but what’s beyond ones capacity, eventually draining oneself.

Self love replaced entirely by object love.

Desire to be love and held is projected and so much so that one feels enmeshed/ the part of the other, losing ones own identity.

Identity of the other becomes the identity of the self completely destroying the subjectivity and individuality of the person.

Evidences are too meager to be noticed to interpret, though right in front of you.

Led by insecurities, in order to prove wrong as right, the unconscious guides you on a path unknown.

Where sanity is left somewhere behind and with each act, one walks one step closer to insanity.

Search for truth, know not whose? Truth of/about oneself or truth of/about the other which apparently is assumed to be same. Path unknown and only of miseries, impossible to fathom meaning, yet all attempts directed towards comprehending meaning. Know not what?

Rationalization at bay, defenses dormant.

It’s all unconscious play,

Saw an angel with broken wings

Jeweled and flamboyant

With her sparkling tiara

Saintly in her ways

Innocence she spreads

Scent of a woman

Angelic conduct

Extravagance not marked

But an aura of paradise

Exquisiteness cherished

But her world upturned

She fell to the ground

Now unadorned

Picking up pieces

Of her battered tiara

With a subdued look

On her mesmeric face

Her Scent lingered

But she was lost

In the stench around

And that’s when

I saw an angel

With broken wings.

no title (pure sublimation)

Too scared within

To play again

Or to say to win for once

Stepping in same trap

Of emotions and feelings

Practicality at bay

Queen of fools

Deceived by it

Destination unknown

Meanings unheard

Roulette it is

Everyones losing

On something or the other

Happiness within

Hard to locate

Searching it

In the trajectory beyond

Disconsolate

Held, seized and torn

by your venomous fangs.

Confined in this cage,

Can’t circumvent

restrained and

repressed emotions

once ardent

now frigid

Induced guilt

Of cipher

Abridgement of,

Thralldom and Subjugation

Dispassionate living

Yet building castles in air

LETS MAKE UP

I am your mirror, you are mine

Never thought of the times things wouldn’t be fine

Whiff of your sadness is like a blade by my side

A move made, and with finesse it will slide.

I love you

And that’s not a lie.

Sadness in eyes

Efforts in words

Forged actions

You can’t hide

so can’t I

So let’s make it simple

Just you and me

as one

Can mesh things in place

Cuz I am unfinished

Without you

And would remain

Hoping alike is your case