Poets plight

Poet I'm called My pen apparently bleeds 

It sneezes ink mixed with tears and screams.

Deceived by the dreams of past

I author what i saw

Illusive and but picturesque 

Word paintings i veneered

Real feelings unwritten 

Unheard unacknowledged.

Impossibility it is to 

Encapsulate the Beauty.

And  my pen fails me 

When I'm walking on sunshine.

 Expression seemed easier in doldrums 

Happiness feels contained n constrained

Unable to stick with word glue

Sanctity of love and its exuberance 

Is failing a poet to display it to 'him'

Him who sweeps me off my ground

Him who turns my day to night 

Him who shuts me with a pinch of kiss

Him who turns my world upside down

Him who makes me cry with laughs

Him who will be father of kids i might/cant bear 

Him who who breathes life into my lungs

Him whose heart is as pure as theres nothing  that I've ever heard or seen 

Him who would throw himself in front of a bus for me

Him who is so many things my words fall short of

Him whose picture il never be able to paint

For now I'm his and i have him by my side

Wont be ashamed if the poet in me died. 

To and fro

As kids we learned to cross our hearts

In order to prove a truth, as elders we learnt to raise our voice in order to make a truth.

As kids we learnt to cross our fingers everytime we lie , as elders we learnt to poker face commiting perjury.

As kids we spoke n thought less, cuz milk and candies satiated our needs, as elders our mind races and tongue blabs or fumbles , cuz the horizon is so unseen.

As kids our mothers would mean the world and rest were close kins, as elders we make friends and foes entering the chaotic élan. 

Looking back may seem easier 

But to head forward is what we do

Mousy and yellow

With mistakes at each veer

Fumbling and stumbling 

Trying the balance 

Backsliding to maintain

Turning the wheel 

Towards the unknown

Into a hazy sea . 

Wo aur hum

Wo boley :
Kayenaat main tumse koi gaya guzra na hoga
Raat ke andhere main jaise dikhayi na dia hoga
Aankhe moondey har wo paap kia hai tuney
Her baar jise soch tera imaan tadpega.

Hum boley :
Mera mann nai jaanta iss shabd 'paap' ko
iske kuch roop toh maine bhi dekhe hai
Her baar ek nai shakal aur akal pehne tha
Her baar pehchaan-na namumkin tha
Haan ab toh aankhein moond ke he kaam chalta hai
Kuch pal ki saansein hai , aankhein khuli ho toh leni mushkil lagti hain
Maine andhere main andhapan pehna tha is baar
Kya karein , Ujaley k rangon ko Dekhne ab manzoor nahi mujhe mere yaar.

uncertainty

held in your grace
the mesmerized fate
with love you embrace
feeling divine and great

much uncertain leap
chasing angel from Hell
promising to keep
her out of the blue shell.

Once.....

I am a storm i am a breeze i am wind i sweep things
Once i was just air.

I am a raging flood i am a waterfall i am a beautiful spring or a river which flows
Once i was just water .

I am callous and blinding i am soothing to eyes when i set n rise
I am the sun
Once i was just a star .

I am a heavy pour i am an easy drizzle i am hail and i am snow
Once i was just a rain.

i am warmth and i am light ,i am flames and i dazzle and i burn to ashes
Once i was just fire .

I am blue ,i am black sometimes orange and purple
Once i was a gray sky.

I am a tide i am a wave i splash and i stay , i come kiss the shore and go
Once i was just a sea.

I am shining and i cut , i am a jewel and i am rare I am a diamond
Once i was just a coal.

I am red and i am pretty i smell heavenly but i have thorns , i am a rose
Once i was just a flower.

I am a wife i am a mother , i am a  father and a husband
But once i was a child

I am smart i am shrewed i am clever  i am arrogant
But Once i was innocent and naive .

We all are and we were ....
......something different ,
Swept in the tide of change.

Thinking out loud - part 2

Here i am @ 4 30am writing a post from the bottom of my heart for myself.
Just finished watching a movie called 'stay cool' , cute movie by the way. Story of an ordinary boy who falls in love with a girl in high school could never propose and almost 20 years later writes a book about what he felt which becomes a best seller. Quite cliche one may say but i kinda connected well with it.
I often wonder What fun one has in documenting what/how they feel? it is beyond my understanding. May be this is the reason, i wanna someday take this up as my PhD thesis too.
Few days back i too had a similar thought of documenting that one life event which was quite a detour from the usual but apparently changed the course of my life. I am referring to this because Thats the similarity which i share or a point of connection with the lead actor in the movie , but for me it was just a conception of thought of writing a book about 'it' , which in the movie he did.
When i initially thought about it, a lot of questions n doubts clouded in my head.
# What is the need to write?
*is it to create a momento of the experiences lived or is it a medium to get ones feelings across almost in entirety to that one person (which is a bleak chance, cuz who knows if he/she even follows what one writes?)
#what will happen once i start writing? What if it becomes inexhaustive? What if it becomes too overwhelming? What if it skids me back to square one.

A lot of what if's emerged .

But a thorough inspection of ones intentions n gut feel suggested, it has to be written for my own self.

A document that'll contain almost everything starting from minute details to big fat realities but all of it for me. For what- an easy access to visit back or a one time visit to get past it forever(May be). Who knows? And i will also not know until i start .

So ive decided i will start writing about it . In a fashion i have  imagined, yes another cliche love filled romantic novel with a twist of reality in it.

Quest is to look for answers, to the questions infinite. Who knows in the pursuit what one May find . I m not expecting miracles but revelations would be good enough. It is in retrospect things/experiences make sense, and one develops a perspective . So i really dont know what am i looking for or what am i going to find, its like gambling which  i am going to do with words. Hope i do justice to my feelings.*fingers crossed*

My posts have more questions than reflections/statements, i hope that explains the chaos in my life . At times i wonder is it what it looks like, or do words exaggerate a felt experience or undermine it, but i guess both are true, also because an experience and its authenticity lies just in that moment and no restructuring in thoughts/words will ever do justice to it.

On this abruptly vague note i shall end ,yet again intrigued and confused by the beauty/horror of  aspects of human minds.

In sickness and in health

When i was a kid i loved Vows, i guess i still do but apparently hightened consciousness has added to the paranoia now.
"I ,_____, take thee,_____, to my
lawful wedded Husband/wife, to have and
to hold from this day forward, for
better for worse, for richer for poorer,
in sickness and in health, to love,
cherish, and to obey , till death us do part, according to God's holy
ordinance; and thereto I give thee my troth.

My personal favorite Is 'in sickness and in health' not because personally i fall sick very often but also because i understand what all especially sickness brings along, and in health m sure we all can deal with the atrocities of life.<
I personally have felt that rage and anger which is also accompanied by a lot of guilt (not to forget) when one is sick or when ur loved one is .

Lets get to the less complicated part first, that is the experience of sickness rather than the feeling which one feels when one is sick.
Ive had many experiences but there are few i wanna share both as a healthy person taking care of the sick and a sick person being taken care of .
It was a cold morning and there was a hot lava spurting in my under pants. (those of you who cannot understand it was the first day of my menstrual cycle). I had a paper submission and just to deposit a hard copy i had to go through a torture of a jam packed train journey which was an hour and a half one way . Mind you this is just the travelling time.. Getting out reaching college etc etc not included in the calculation. I knew its going to be one of those impossible days when you wish you had a penis instead of a vagina. Anyway dying in pain, pale faced i drag myself out of my bed and shower , changing into an all black attire. Ready to head out for the anticipated torturos journey ad my phone beeps, it said- " hello darling , good morning i know you must be heading out for college , just wanted to let you know i am picking you from #station, just let me know when you leave?"
I sat back on my bed picked phone and replied - " i am leaving right away" , phone beeped again , the message read "oh okay. You might have to wait 5-10 minutes at the station but then Il pick you up and drop you to college and bring you back too" ,I just replied an okay with a smiley , still wondering what just happened. By the way that was my 'love' who sent the usual good morning message but it was just a bit a different this morning.
20minutes i still travelled to reach to the #station with just my phone beeping timely to tell me his status and to know how ar am i and along with it some lousy music playing in my ears .
I got off at the station waited for five minutes and he was there in his dazzling golden sedan. He came and opened the front door for me took my bag and hurriedly throwing it in the back seat, made sure i was  seated comfortably and he put the car door behind me mumbling few words that sounded like 'this is a no parking zone where i stopped, we gotta make a move' .
I sat quietly in the seat next to his, he put his seat belt and politely asked me to put mine confirming again if i was comfortable.
I sat back relaxed and he played some really nice music and drove through heavy traffic. As soon as we hit the highway he took out a chocolate from his pocket and gave it to me , i accepted with a smile.
Holding the chocolate in my hand and with the rustling sound of its wrapper , in a soft voice said thanks. He turned to me looking at me with all the love possible on earth that he could shower upon me in that very moment he said - 'i know my baby was in pain, couldnt get coffee but did know chocolate with help with the pain, and i knew travelling wouldn't have been easy for you today so i thought Il spend some time with my love, may be she ll better?', looked away staring ahead at the highway and softly whispered "do you feel better?"
Eating chocolate like a fat kid still fighting the pain in my lower abdominal region i laid my head on his shoulder and whispered in his ears "i love you" ,he kissed my head and said "i love you too baby".
He played another mesmerisingly beautiful song and said-"I promised you ,Il be there by your side in sickness and in health, and here i am" , i dint say a word i lifted my heavy head from his shoulder and leaned against the glass of the window, all i did the entire journey was to look at him with eyes that expressed nothing but love. I forgot everything in that moment and i couldnt get my eyes off him.

And like these there had been many such occasions where he left me awestruck.

But there came a day when he left . Apparently for good and all these vows especially the one mentioned above went piercing down my heart.

What happens to the vow now? I thought it said till death us do apart, but a misunderstanding was enough to do us apart.

I still fall sick and sometimes majorly and its that one vow that he took that hurts more than the actual pain. Its so fascinating how someone's presence can be so relieving on the basis of just few words.

Its these words and their hollow existence which really kills you.

And now look at the irony , i willfully wish for sickness, as much as i hate it i still do and i wish i get really sick. He left me in health, is this a way to believe that he might return in my sickness ? Are these the unconscious pointers whichmakes me keep going back to the vow.
What a shame, i , a person with a heightened consciousness also lives for something as hollow as words.

This is one side of the story .

Another is when you want to be the care taker ,and as much as you want you cannot do anything Thats what fills me up with rage and anger. And a guilt which follows is also stemming from same hollow meaningless words, you know you promised , and you know Cant do much and now that Hes gone you Cant even be there Thats what eats u up inside. I dream and get visions of him not being okay but still i feel helpless.

My question to myself and others who understand where my thought originated from ,is - if we know words have a hollow existence how come we get so vulnerable to them? How come we become slaves of such baseless existence where everything is so hollow?