Once.....

I am a storm i am a breeze i am wind i sweep things
Once i was just air.

I am a raging flood i am a waterfall i am a beautiful spring or a river which flows
Once i was just water .

I am callous and blinding i am soothing to eyes when i set n rise
I am the sun
Once i was just a star .

I am a heavy pour i am an easy drizzle i am hail and i am snow
Once i was just a rain.

i am warmth and i am light ,i am flames and i dazzle and i burn to ashes
Once i was just fire .

I am blue ,i am black sometimes orange and purple
Once i was a gray sky.

I am a tide i am a wave i splash and i stay , i come kiss the shore and go
Once i was just a sea.

I am shining and i cut , i am a jewel and i am rare I am a diamond
Once i was just a coal.

I am red and i am pretty i smell heavenly but i have thorns , i am a rose
Once i was just a flower.

I am a wife i am a mother , i am a  father and a husband
But once i was a child

I am smart i am shrewed i am clever  i am arrogant
But Once i was innocent and naive .

We all are and we were ....
......something different ,
Swept in the tide of change.

Thinking out loud - part 2

Here i am @ 4 30am writing a post from the bottom of my heart for myself.
Just finished watching a movie called 'stay cool' , cute movie by the way. Story of an ordinary boy who falls in love with a girl in high school could never propose and almost 20 years later writes a book about what he felt which becomes a best seller. Quite cliche one may say but i kinda connected well with it.
I often wonder What fun one has in documenting what/how they feel? it is beyond my understanding. May be this is the reason, i wanna someday take this up as my PhD thesis too.
Few days back i too had a similar thought of documenting that one life event which was quite a detour from the usual but apparently changed the course of my life. I am referring to this because Thats the similarity which i share or a point of connection with the lead actor in the movie , but for me it was just a conception of thought of writing a book about 'it' , which in the movie he did.
When i initially thought about it, a lot of questions n doubts clouded in my head.
# What is the need to write?
*is it to create a momento of the experiences lived or is it a medium to get ones feelings across almost in entirety to that one person (which is a bleak chance, cuz who knows if he/she even follows what one writes?)
#what will happen once i start writing? What if it becomes inexhaustive? What if it becomes too overwhelming? What if it skids me back to square one.

A lot of what if's emerged .

But a thorough inspection of ones intentions n gut feel suggested, it has to be written for my own self.

A document that'll contain almost everything starting from minute details to big fat realities but all of it for me. For what- an easy access to visit back or a one time visit to get past it forever(May be). Who knows? And i will also not know until i start .

So ive decided i will start writing about it . In a fashion i have  imagined, yes another cliche love filled romantic novel with a twist of reality in it.

Quest is to look for answers, to the questions infinite. Who knows in the pursuit what one May find . I m not expecting miracles but revelations would be good enough. It is in retrospect things/experiences make sense, and one develops a perspective . So i really dont know what am i looking for or what am i going to find, its like gambling which  i am going to do with words. Hope i do justice to my feelings.*fingers crossed*

My posts have more questions than reflections/statements, i hope that explains the chaos in my life . At times i wonder is it what it looks like, or do words exaggerate a felt experience or undermine it, but i guess both are true, also because an experience and its authenticity lies just in that moment and no restructuring in thoughts/words will ever do justice to it.

On this abruptly vague note i shall end ,yet again intrigued and confused by the beauty/horror of  aspects of human minds.

In sickness and in health

When i was a kid i loved Vows, i guess i still do but apparently hightened consciousness has added to the paranoia now.
"I ,_____, take thee,_____, to my
lawful wedded Husband/wife, to have and
to hold from this day forward, for
better for worse, for richer for poorer,
in sickness and in health, to love,
cherish, and to obey , till death us do part, according to God's holy
ordinance; and thereto I give thee my troth.

My personal favorite Is 'in sickness and in health' not because personally i fall sick very often but also because i understand what all especially sickness brings along, and in health m sure we all can deal with the atrocities of life.<
I personally have felt that rage and anger which is also accompanied by a lot of guilt (not to forget) when one is sick or when ur loved one is .

Lets get to the less complicated part first, that is the experience of sickness rather than the feeling which one feels when one is sick.
Ive had many experiences but there are few i wanna share both as a healthy person taking care of the sick and a sick person being taken care of .
It was a cold morning and there was a hot lava spurting in my under pants. (those of you who cannot understand it was the first day of my menstrual cycle). I had a paper submission and just to deposit a hard copy i had to go through a torture of a jam packed train journey which was an hour and a half one way . Mind you this is just the travelling time.. Getting out reaching college etc etc not included in the calculation. I knew its going to be one of those impossible days when you wish you had a penis instead of a vagina. Anyway dying in pain, pale faced i drag myself out of my bed and shower , changing into an all black attire. Ready to head out for the anticipated torturos journey ad my phone beeps, it said- " hello darling , good morning i know you must be heading out for college , just wanted to let you know i am picking you from #station, just let me know when you leave?"
I sat back on my bed picked phone and replied - " i am leaving right away" , phone beeped again , the message read "oh okay. You might have to wait 5-10 minutes at the station but then Il pick you up and drop you to college and bring you back too" ,I just replied an okay with a smiley , still wondering what just happened. By the way that was my 'love' who sent the usual good morning message but it was just a bit a different this morning.
20minutes i still travelled to reach to the #station with just my phone beeping timely to tell me his status and to know how ar am i and along with it some lousy music playing in my ears .
I got off at the station waited for five minutes and he was there in his dazzling golden sedan. He came and opened the front door for me took my bag and hurriedly throwing it in the back seat, made sure i was  seated comfortably and he put the car door behind me mumbling few words that sounded like 'this is a no parking zone where i stopped, we gotta make a move' .
I sat quietly in the seat next to his, he put his seat belt and politely asked me to put mine confirming again if i was comfortable.
I sat back relaxed and he played some really nice music and drove through heavy traffic. As soon as we hit the highway he took out a chocolate from his pocket and gave it to me , i accepted with a smile.
Holding the chocolate in my hand and with the rustling sound of its wrapper , in a soft voice said thanks. He turned to me looking at me with all the love possible on earth that he could shower upon me in that very moment he said - 'i know my baby was in pain, couldnt get coffee but did know chocolate with help with the pain, and i knew travelling wouldn't have been easy for you today so i thought Il spend some time with my love, may be she ll better?', looked away staring ahead at the highway and softly whispered "do you feel better?"
Eating chocolate like a fat kid still fighting the pain in my lower abdominal region i laid my head on his shoulder and whispered in his ears "i love you" ,he kissed my head and said "i love you too baby".
He played another mesmerisingly beautiful song and said-"I promised you ,Il be there by your side in sickness and in health, and here i am" , i dint say a word i lifted my heavy head from his shoulder and leaned against the glass of the window, all i did the entire journey was to look at him with eyes that expressed nothing but love. I forgot everything in that moment and i couldnt get my eyes off him.

And like these there had been many such occasions where he left me awestruck.

But there came a day when he left . Apparently for good and all these vows especially the one mentioned above went piercing down my heart.

What happens to the vow now? I thought it said till death us do apart, but a misunderstanding was enough to do us apart.

I still fall sick and sometimes majorly and its that one vow that he took that hurts more than the actual pain. Its so fascinating how someone's presence can be so relieving on the basis of just few words.

Its these words and their hollow existence which really kills you.

And now look at the irony , i willfully wish for sickness, as much as i hate it i still do and i wish i get really sick. He left me in health, is this a way to believe that he might return in my sickness ? Are these the unconscious pointers whichmakes me keep going back to the vow.
What a shame, i , a person with a heightened consciousness also lives for something as hollow as words.

This is one side of the story .

Another is when you want to be the care taker ,and as much as you want you cannot do anything Thats what fills me up with rage and anger. And a guilt which follows is also stemming from same hollow meaningless words, you know you promised , and you know Cant do much and now that Hes gone you Cant even be there Thats what eats u up inside. I dream and get visions of him not being okay but still i feel helpless.

My question to myself and others who understand where my thought originated from ,is - if we know words have a hollow existence how come we get so vulnerable to them? How come we become slaves of such baseless existence where everything is so hollow?

Winter love

With the winter chill and cold breeze slapping my face , 

with the dew drops settling on the windshield of my car,

with layers of clothes and a slender body snuggling in it, 

with innumerable sneezes and sniffs, 

with warming of hands around each cup of hot coffee, 

with the winter rain and shivering hands,

with chattering teeth and cold feet,

with the lust of winter sun, 

with each bite of a hot lip burning muffin,

with a long walk  on a December evening, 

with the self clicked hood couple pictures, 

and one cold night which is now frozen, in memories

winter has a bit of you, unerased unforgotten 

a screeching noise in the wind 

silently screaming in my ears

to remember you. 

Thinking out loud - part 1

Truth and lies. I wonder who/what made/caused these terms , and i also wonder how it has been an integral part of my life and may be everyone of us. What compells me to think about it  is ,beyond its literal meaning and my experiences. 

This summer i almost lost a  very close friend. Yes because i found out he 'lied' to me . What a brilliant 4 letter word, it gives competition and a very tough one to one another 4 lettered word 'love' . Yes love and lies ,somehow one will always find them in one basket. Whereas some wise men say love and trust go hand in hand , which makes me wonder about the so called unusual trio which is love-trust-lies. 

If i may use my little knowledge of psychoanalysis then i guess Frued would agree that i see a better n a stronger relationship between trust n lies than between trust n love . So to say it requires more trust than love to lie , and trust in love , for love , one has to lie ; and trust in a lie to save love . 

I know i might have gone overboard with my web of words . But all i mean to say is its okay to lie. I always believed in one thing that i hate lies and liars and following that theory ive eliminated many people from my life which i dont know of was right or wrong. But what i realised last night was how true is the opposite of my belief ? Do i really love truth , is there any truth and if it is do i love people who say the truth ? Do i even believe in truth ?  Do i always say the truth ?
(which also leaves me with a revelation that my hatred for myself also comes majorly from my own belief) .

Anyway the point is or may be there is no point in wondering about these self created fascinations of truth and lies. One needs to rise above and see what have they practically left us with after weighing it all.

And i know what i'm left with i am left with few countable people in my life who have selflessly loved me despite of who ive been at various points of time in life and they still continue to love me regardless of what ive become and will love me regardless of what will/can become because for them its their trust that they had put in me which i realise im never gonna let down. So transcending the visciousness of the roulette of truth and lies , i decided to let go of my theory cuz there are better things in life to cherish and one Cant do that until blindfold is removed .

So im not saying im better off with discarding my theory rather to be honest im really messed up. Cuz now theres nothing that guides my decisions other than my instincts (which are killer, mainly because they ve almost got me killed) . So technically its quite a haze but sure i know at what milestone i have my pillars . Even if i go blind i can find them.

One last thanks to this genuine angelic soul who unknowingly said things he did not know what it meant and what effect it ll have . He said 'what if he lied , isnt his love and trust that he puts in you worth forgiveness and Hes not a bad person at all' . In retrospect each word seems like a bead . Had it not been these words i would have lost a pillar of strength, a close friend . Thankyou stranger and i  owe you one .

And lastly going back to where i started , how these (meaningful yet so meaningless) words have left me with some bleak thoughts & questions : why seek truth,what is about the truth that is s charming that one gets pulled by it? Is there anything like being true? How far truthful have the closest and the most important people in our lives been ? Does someone really want to kno the truth? 

& on the other hand 

What is a lie? Masked insecurity ,or scared unexpressed love, or the trust in a new face ? Why lie, why complicate but is truth less complicated , who decides which is lesser ?  why is liar always a villain? Why are lies/liars  despised?

My thoughts n questions will keep pouring but i must give it a rest for now . Though the mystery which my brain always thinks about is and will remain unresolved but for once I know i tried to untangle the knots . (not sure whether i am making it more  knotted or untangling the ones that existed).