Winter love

With the winter chill and cold breeze slapping my face , 

with the dew drops settling on the windshield of my car,

with layers of clothes and a slender body snuggling in it, 

with innumerable sneezes and sniffs, 

with warming of hands around each cup of hot coffee, 

with the winter rain and shivering hands,

with chattering teeth and cold feet,

with the lust of winter sun, 

with each bite of a hot lip burning muffin,

with a long walk  on a December evening, 

with the self clicked hood couple pictures, 

and one cold night which is now frozen, in memories

winter has a bit of you, unerased unforgotten 

a screeching noise in the wind 

silently screaming in my ears

to remember you. 

Thinking out loud - part 1

Truth and lies. I wonder who/what made/caused these terms , and i also wonder how it has been an integral part of my life and may be everyone of us. What compells me to think about it  is ,beyond its literal meaning and my experiences. 

This summer i almost lost a  very close friend. Yes because i found out he 'lied' to me . What a brilliant 4 letter word, it gives competition and a very tough one to one another 4 lettered word 'love' . Yes love and lies ,somehow one will always find them in one basket. Whereas some wise men say love and trust go hand in hand , which makes me wonder about the so called unusual trio which is love-trust-lies. 

If i may use my little knowledge of psychoanalysis then i guess Frued would agree that i see a better n a stronger relationship between trust n lies than between trust n love . So to say it requires more trust than love to lie , and trust in love , for love , one has to lie ; and trust in a lie to save love . 

I know i might have gone overboard with my web of words . But all i mean to say is its okay to lie. I always believed in one thing that i hate lies and liars and following that theory ive eliminated many people from my life which i dont know of was right or wrong. But what i realised last night was how true is the opposite of my belief ? Do i really love truth , is there any truth and if it is do i love people who say the truth ? Do i even believe in truth ?  Do i always say the truth ?
(which also leaves me with a revelation that my hatred for myself also comes majorly from my own belief) .

Anyway the point is or may be there is no point in wondering about these self created fascinations of truth and lies. One needs to rise above and see what have they practically left us with after weighing it all.

And i know what i'm left with i am left with few countable people in my life who have selflessly loved me despite of who ive been at various points of time in life and they still continue to love me regardless of what ive become and will love me regardless of what will/can become because for them its their trust that they had put in me which i realise im never gonna let down. So transcending the visciousness of the roulette of truth and lies , i decided to let go of my theory cuz there are better things in life to cherish and one Cant do that until blindfold is removed .

So im not saying im better off with discarding my theory rather to be honest im really messed up. Cuz now theres nothing that guides my decisions other than my instincts (which are killer, mainly because they ve almost got me killed) . So technically its quite a haze but sure i know at what milestone i have my pillars . Even if i go blind i can find them.

One last thanks to this genuine angelic soul who unknowingly said things he did not know what it meant and what effect it ll have . He said 'what if he lied , isnt his love and trust that he puts in you worth forgiveness and Hes not a bad person at all' . In retrospect each word seems like a bead . Had it not been these words i would have lost a pillar of strength, a close friend . Thankyou stranger and i  owe you one .

And lastly going back to where i started , how these (meaningful yet so meaningless) words have left me with some bleak thoughts & questions : why seek truth,what is about the truth that is s charming that one gets pulled by it? Is there anything like being true? How far truthful have the closest and the most important people in our lives been ? Does someone really want to kno the truth? 

& on the other hand 

What is a lie? Masked insecurity ,or scared unexpressed love, or the trust in a new face ? Why lie, why complicate but is truth less complicated , who decides which is lesser ?  why is liar always a villain? Why are lies/liars  despised?

My thoughts n questions will keep pouring but i must give it a rest for now . Though the mystery which my brain always thinks about is and will remain unresolved but for once I know i tried to untangle the knots . (not sure whether i am making it more  knotted or untangling the ones that existed).

TOXICITY

For the longest time i held it in my fist
know not why know not how
its sand quality
let it pass
in time with no remains.
at once what i held in my fist
seemed like a flower
it blossomed
in my sweaty palms
but then came the fall and it withered
in my same hands it rustled

In between a shrillness
 of rustling and falling
 things mushroomed around
what a pity i saw the same flower
blossoming around me
no more in the sweat of my arms
brighter than the red ink
flashing through my veins

yes i picked the wrong flower
and poisoned it with my sweat
even if it was
it would've had a pungent smell

the air around me is thick
its infective and lethal
To, all you blossoming flowers
you shall be dead if near me

so kindly go away
cuz i cant live with
a blame.

Sisak

wo yaadon k tukde

Chupke se

raat ke aaghosh main 

andhere main siye 

mala si piroye

aankhon k raste

palkon pe sisakte hue 

, fir hoton ne piye

wo sehem k bikhar jana mera

hathon main hath rakh 

fir dekh muskurana tera

wo sannaton main goonjti 

fir wahi ek awaaz 

wo lafz ankahe

din ki chaka chaundh 

main jo bayan na hoye

aur raat ki khamoshi 

main ansuney reh gaye

A Face

Amidst hundred faces he saw a face 

the beauty struck his pie

the way red clouds in the dusk would captivate 

force so magnificent 

like a tide in a deep blue sea

with a barbed edge of a crescent moon

it sliced his crux ,sumless 

A face in veneer 

made a fine delicacy

masked and concealing 

swaying away the hay 

dazzled by an eyeful 

and deceived by the beaut  

that face in hundred faces 

brought dismay

the sailor lost him in mist

dropped a bundle he

abandoning already mislaid ship 

for this frivolous deplete

still hanging on to his hat

looking for that face 

...... in hundred faces.

Someday

if i couldnt yesterday
then its not a big deal

even if not today
then i must not feel

silly to an extent
i cant afford to be

il get past it someday
is all i dream .

i still havent heard
winds murmur
clouds roar
and sea waves splashing
on my feet

 i am yet to
discover the colors
in a rainbow

if i couldnt yesterday

then its not a big deal

even if not today

then i must not feel 

silly to an extent 

i cant afford to be 

il do it someday

is all i dream .

and may be that someday

is not very far ..

Surreal to real

For once i have no poem to share. i have words with no loops and knots.
i am almost feeling magical today , cuz this feeling that i am feeling today, i hadn't experienced it before. And its all because of a friend, who happens to be a clone of me.
the wavelength at which i think (which i do not propose is very high or low but whatsoever it is) people do not reach there easily.

i have lots of questions and no answers, one of which is what does an average human being aspire to be?
Answers are many - successful ,happy ,famous etc etc
next question is how much of it does he achieve? and who decides or weighs this achievement  .
of course everybody knows its the person himself who declares it, but knowing how unsatisfied humans are , can we actually say that we are the ones who actually decide it....and i can continue the loop further but the point i am trying to make is one can actually know what he actually desires.

latching on to desire , i know what my desires are , and i have seen them being met , the reality which happened when the desires came true was enthralling, and that is exactly the part which we want.

This particular phase , not to say its all a bed of roses, has the element of fantasized real , which makes it perfect for oneself, in this perfect moment things aren't a cake walk but you have the courage to cross boundaries barefoot, everything doesnt become easy all of a sudden but suddenly the perspective changes towards the most difficult things in life.

and how does this seemingly 'perfect' world comes alive?....(word-perfect is no where used in its literal meaning)
its when, you meet this special someone (unlike fiction , ones tailor made guy/girl) this person has its own flaws and potential. And mind you this event has nothing to with the quantitativeness of your relation to this someone , it could be few minutes few months few years and that too at any point of time in life.

And i keep all moral ethics and norms aside when i talk about this kind of aliveness which one other person is able to create in you, at this point of time nothing else matters. Cuz may be unconsciously we are aware of the fact that this away moment from everyone/everything is going to be very short lived.

This reality and the real reality also will coincide and make it fall apart.

For me . for real , i have met this special someone , for a very short span and it has altered my life, I've learnt one new thing and thats contentment, one may feel - how funny it is to talk about contentment at such a young age , but then again its not the quantity but the quality of life lived which can help you attain it.

'good things dont stay'- anonymous , but i guess they do in your thoughts,. in your memories , its how you keep them alive. i bet one cannot even in fantasy surpass this fanatic feeling (which some people call LOVE) , i know not what name to give it but for sure it is the pinnacle.

And just today i learnt its not in my head that i feel the extravagance of this feeling but there are others too , who have felt it closely.

as i said i do not have a poem to share today but my poetic side compels me to drop few lines-
"beyond you is
nothing,
beyond this feeling is
nothing.
but with you it is
life"